2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able
to say it.
28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
too?
41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?
43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
46. Can you cry under water?
48. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
49. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
50. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
51. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Taxes?
52. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
53. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
54. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
55. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
56. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
57. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
58. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
59. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
60. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
61. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?
62. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
63. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
64. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
65. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
66. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
67. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
68. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
69. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
70. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
71. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
72. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
73. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
74. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
75. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
76. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
77. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
78. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
79. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
80. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
81. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
82. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
83. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
84. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
85. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he
can't find himself?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice?
if barbie is so popular....then y do u have 2 buy her friends?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you
strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
What happens if you get scared to death....twice?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the
radio?
When Cheese gets it's picture taken what does it say? >
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would it be called Fed Up?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why is the blackboard green?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in
the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
Why are all farms red?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady.
What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
Do birds pee?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph
downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back
of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed
of sound?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
Why do donuts have holes?
Do the different "M&M's" colors taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in
the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says --
"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be
possible?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
Why do they call it disposable douche?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
